Life is complicated, but this isn’t: If you tell people the twist of your movie in the ads for your movie then your movie can’t take an hour to get to the twist.
The disinteresting characters of Abigail may not know that the child they have kidnapped is a vampire. We do. That’s why we are watching. We want the tween-looking, centuries-old murderess dressed for a dance recital to suck blood. We do not want exposition. Nobody wants exposition. Sorry. Christopher Nolan wants exposition. The rest of us want gore-soaked tutu murders.
The wildly bland first hour of Abigail is all talky-talky, no fangy-bitey. A ragtag band of criminals are recruited to steal the daughter of an unknown rich guy, who is not Elon Musk, even though that dude 100% has dressed up like a vampire before. The gang of baddies are given Rat Pack codenames because if writers Stephen Shields and Guy Busick imitated Quentin Taratino any more, this film would just be a foot that says the N word.
Don’t worry: Despite the fake names, we get real backstories…real trite, cliché backstories. Joey (Melissa Barrera) is a former Army medic kicking a morphine addiction. Frank (Dan Stevens) is a cop-gone-bad, or what some folks out there call “a cop.” Sammy (Kathryn Newton) is a spoiled brat computer hacker. Peter (Kevin Durand) is the muscle from Quebec. Rickles (William Catlett) is a Marine sniper. Dean (Angus Cloud) is a watercolor painting of Post Malone someone spilled alcohol on. Lambert (Giancarlo Esposito) is the mastermind who brings them together.
Abigail (Alisha Weir) is a vampire. She’s the best.
Once the doofus squad realizes they’re in a locked house with a tiny dancing demon, Abigail becomes gloriously goofy and fun. With Ready or Not and their Scream sequels, directors Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett have shown they know how to have a horrifically good time. There is a self-awareness that permeates their genre work. It’s not an annoying wink-and-nod but an endearing recognition of the insanity unfolding. The more the characters all but stare at the camera asking “can you believe this?” the more we are willing to do just that. Hearing Dan Stevens do a New York accent while doing a tough guy monologue is less realistic than Abigail doing pirouettes whilst doing murder.
The one thing that is never explained is what’s with all the ballerina stuff. We never hear why a vampire that’s hundreds of years old is committed to this whole bit about fancy dancing. Good. This compulsion about explaining things sinks so many imaginative endeavors. If you removed every utilitarian line of dialogue from Abigail, every irritating and clunky chunk of script telling us things we don’t care about, you’d be left with a lean 90-minute romp.
Instead, it’s like an everlasting gobstopper with a tofu-flavored shell and a scrumptious toffee center. But, you know, with a child-like vampire eating people while wearing pointe shoes. Does Wonka make such a thing?
Grade = B-
Other Critical Voices to Consider
Hoai-Tran Bui at Inverse says “Abigail is a movie made for horror devotees who just want a relaxing Friday night filled with blood splatter and cartoonishly brutal kills.”
Kristy Puchko at Mashable says “Curiously, this movie is cut assuming those in the theater haven’t seen the film’s trailer or even its poster, so the movie drags as we wait for the silly humans to catch up. Actually, much like the American Godzilla movies, this monster movie spends too much time on its human dramas — specifically that of its heroine.”
Travis Hopson at Punch Drunk Critics says “Abigail ramps up the campiness and B-movie goodness in the final stretch, with so much gore it literally explodes all over the screen. There’s so much it could make some moviegoers a bit queasy, which is exactly the right sensation.”