The self-esteem that it requires to do a re-remake of Seven Samurai in space that lasts more than four hours is honestly somewhat inspiring. Sure, that premise barely sustained a 38-minute episode of The Mandalorian less than five years ago, but clearly what we all actually needed was a two-film epic in which a ragtag bunch of galactic hooligans defend wheat on an alien planet. Put this in the time capsule as the simplest example of the streaming era’s hubris.
The first Rebel Moon movie was so decidedly not an actual movie that it didn’t irk me. I am now irked. I hath been irked. I’m in a remarkable state of irk.
Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver lives up to its name only insofar as I am permanently marked by the experience and feel as though I have been mooned by a rebel twice over. Writer/director/inadvertent-cult-leader Zack Snyder picks up immediately where the first film left off. If you remember, which I don’t know that anyone actually can, that first film left off as nothing more than a long montage introducing a series of characters that felt designed by an eighth grader killing time in homeroom.
Kora (Sofia Boutella) used to be with the Motherworld, a disappointingly matriarchal name for Snyder’s intergalactic evil empire. Now she and the warriors who survived the last movie must defend the planet Veldt against the aforementioned baddies by training space farmers to fight. The bad guy from the first movie returns. His name is Atticus Noble (Ed Skrein). Someone named him Atticus Noble. I let that go the first time but can’t do that twice. Just let that name fully wash over you. Roll it around a bit. Atticus Noble.
There’s technically more plot, but you don’t need it, do you? Knowing that this is a “teach villagers to fight” movie tells you absolutely everything you need to know. Anthony Hopkins once more voices a robot with antlers. One of the good guys has knock-off lightsabers. Seriously, these laser swords are the Go-Bots to Star Wars’s Transformers, the Mr. Pibb to George Lucas’s Dr. Pepper. The whole thing is. There is a fun way to be a total rip-off. This is not that. This is the precise mathematical opposite of that.
What is wild is that I found myself forgetting these movies while watching them. Despite Netflix allowing the siren song of smartphone distraction, I resisted. I watched the first one twice. But my brain refused to ingest what it was being force-fed. Without actively looking at plot descriptions, I legitimately cannot remember a single thing that happened, other than some of the stupid names. Did you know two of the characters have the last name Bloodaxe? One of them is called Balisarius, which I refuse to believe isn’t a Pokémon.
This seems like a good review in which to point out that I actually don’t love teeing off on bad movies like I used to. I still do it. Because at a certain point, the only reason for me to write and you to read several hundred words about a movie that has absolutely no meaning or merit is for our entertainment. This is me trying to entertain you. That is something that Rebel Moon 2 did not do for me.
Grade = F
Other Critical Voices to Consider
Diego Peralta at Geeks of Color says “Even if Netflix and Snyder continue to tease more adventures for Kora and the world she wants to save, the screenplay for the sequel doesn’t give anything worth caring for.”
Siddhant Adlakha at Joysauce says “Almost every problem a character faces is solved by the interference of someone else rather than their own wit or skill. And while this theoretically speaks to the movie’s collectivist spirit, it’s deeply dissatisfying in execution (compared to, say, having the characters work together in the first place, rather than entering each other’s scenes all of a sudden).”
Britany Murphy at Muses of Media says “Despite some flaws, Rebel Moon—Part Two: The Scargiver has better character work and some better action throughout than Part One. Pacing issues aside, the performances and action hold the film together well enough to create an entertaining sci-fi flick.”